Coping with a Breaking-Up Through an Attachment Theory Lens

Did you recently break up with a partner? Are you planning on breaking up? Feelings of sadness, anger and loss are appropriate. Dealing with your feelings can be overwhelming and exhausting. We've all been there, and unfortunately there are no healthy shortcuts. Just remember, that you will feel sad, loss and disappointment, but it WILL END!

I will be discussing separation from an attachment theory perspective. In the next post, I will provide tips and tools that can assist through the break up process.

Someone’s attachment style can influence how they feel in their relationships (satisfaction, love, etc.), as well as a wide variety of behaviors including communication, conflict, break-ups, and sex.

Separation from an attachment lens provides a guide not only to the process of breaking up but also explains the reasoning to those intense feelings. Think of the break up process in terms of the feelings a child experiences during separation from its mother/caregiver. Mary Ainsworth provides a demonstration of the separation and reunion process in her experiment, The Strange Situation; an observation of a child when separated from the caregiver, most importantly, the way the child reacts to the caregiver when reunited.

Some children will cry endlessly when their mother leaves and when the mother returns the child won't be soothed with her presence or comfort (anxious preoccupied); with other children it will seem like they are not visibly affected by mother leaving at all, when the mother returns the child won't engage with the mother, rather avoid any connection or emotional comfort (Avoidant); majority of children will feel some discomfort, they will cry when left alone but will soothe quickly and proceed with their activities or engage with people once mom returns (secure). (Take a look at the video for demonstration).

Anxious preoccupied individuals deal with rejection and break-ups by jumping from one serious relationship to the next very quickly (rebounding). Generally, they experience the most difficulty with separation; as they are unable to function when dealing with a break, hence, the need to replace their partner. Avoidant individuals are more likely to seek superficial physical/sexual encounters with others (e.g., one-night stands) outside the context of a committed relationship; they pretend that separation didn't affect them and distract themselves with other objects, people, or work, hence, the need to replace their partner. The secure will process their experience; deal and sit with their feelings, and attempt to work through sadness, and loss. They will take their time before dating.

Take a look at this video for demonstration of the strange situation experiment.