Tools For Assessing a Healthy Partner

How can using attachment theory in dating help me in recognizing an emotionally healthy partner?

The first step is to get to know yourself and those around you from an attachment perspective.

Understanding attachment will change the way you perceive new people you meet; giving you insight into your date. Your thinking will change from “am I liked?” to “Is this someone emotionally healthy? Are they capable of giving me what I need?” Asking questions like: “How much is this person capable of intimacy? Are they sending mixed messages or are they genuinely interested in being close?”

When you’re excited about a potential partner, your reality is compromised. So, during your date, you want to learn about him or her. Learning more about your mate also helps with the interpersonal transference. A lot of times we'll create a story about who WE need our partner to be instead of see what's actually there (fantasy). You no longer need that cloud; you will learn about who your date actually is and assess if works for your needs.

What to assess for:

1. Does your date seek intimacy and closeness?

You're trying to assess for that avoidant/narcissistic partner. Does the intention of his/her behavior create intimacy or distance. For instance, introducing to family and friends, does he/she hesitate or are they open. This can get tricky, because behavior also needs to be appropriate to the stage of the relationship. You have to look at the whole picture and see how this behavior fits in. Depending on how much time has passed and how serious the relationship is, does it still seem right. If it's too early or not happening at all then there might be something there to look into.

2. How preoccupied is your date with the relationship and how sensitive are they to rejection?

Here you're trying to assess for the anxious preoccupied person.

Do they get easily hurt by things you say? Are you afraid to express your feelings fearing it may cause a reaction? Are they very sensitive to details in the relationship that suggest distancing, such as when you make decisions that don’t take him into account? The best way I can describe an anxious preoccupied is a person who takes too much space in the relationship, where you don't feel there's much space for you and your feelings.

3. Don’t rely on one “symptom,” look for various signs.

Looking at one behavior, attitude, or belief is not enough to determine your dates attachment style. You're trying to look for a combination of behaviors that create a coherent pattern. It is the whole picture that tells the true story. If you hear an avoidant or anxious preoccupied behavior, you're keeping it in the back of your mind, but still looking for more evidence. It's kind of listening to a song, you'll start noticing the pattern of that persons belief system of the world in their perception of situations; once you've heard the whole song you can make an assessment, not just listening to one lyric or just one line. So if you have a sense of a type of attachment, keep looking for more evidence.

Example: avoidant male, tells you he's not looking for a serious relationship, then when you express a feeling about something causing a hostile reaction from him. Throughout the date, he is on his phone. Talks about the ex who got away.

Here you have a few "symptoms"

Your thinking should be flagged by "not looking for serious relationship", keeping it in the back of your mind and listening for more, is it fear of intimacy or just got out of a relationship, is related to anything else?

Hostility is another sign, he's not validating or open to your feelings.

On the phone, is it related to a serious issue at work or is it a deactivating strategy, a way to keep emotional distance.

Finally, talking about the ex who got away, another deactivating strategy, a way to keep intimacy at bay.

With a few presented symptoms you're able to get a clearer picture and assess that this person is an Avoidant.

4. Assess his/ her reaction to effective communication.

Don’t be afraid to express your needs, thoughts, and feelings to your date. You're paying attention to the way your date responds to your feelings; can they meet your needs?

A secure will try to accommodate you; they are great at validating and understanding.

Anxious preoccupied will welcome the opportunity for closeness.

An avoidant will be resistant and will make you feel like you've revealed too much, like you said something wrong and/or get defensive.

The key is to have a partner who is in tune and can take your feelings and desires into consideration; silence or no action is just as powerful as the avoidant who is dismissive.

Conclusion

When meeting a potential partner, ASSESS! Think of it in terms of a company; you are the chief executive of a company called Relationship. If you find that he/she doesn't meet your needs, MOVE ON! Now you have the tools for assessment. Don't forget, there are plenty more out there.