Coping with a Breaking-Up Through an Attachment Theory Lens

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Coping with a Breaking-Up Through an Attachment Theory Lens

Did you recently break up with a partner? Are you planning on breaking up? Feelings of sadness, anger and loss are appropriate. Dealing with your feelings can be overwhelming and exhausting. We've all been there, and unfortunately there are no healthy shortcuts. Just remember, that you will feel sad, loss and disappointment, but it WILL END!

I will be discussing separation from an attachment theory perspective. In the next post, I will provide tips and tools that can assist through the break up process.

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Tools For Assessing a Healthy Partner

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Tools For Assessing a Healthy Partner


How can using attachment theory in dating help me in recognizing an emotionally healthy partner?

The first step is to get to know yourself and those around you from an attachment perspective.

Understanding attachment will change the way you perceive new people you meet; giving you insight into your date. Your thinking will change from “am I liked?” to “Is this someone emotionally healthy? Are they capable of giving me what I need?” Asking questions like: “How much is this person capable of intimacy? Are they sending mixed messages or are they genuinely interested in being close?”

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How Use of Language Assists in Identifying an Emotionally Healthy Partner?

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How Use of Language Assists in Identifying an Emotionally Healthy Partner?

Recap:

Secures are able to express emotions and see objectively. "I am Ok and you are OK too."

Anxious are preoccupied with their own emotions; it's hard to see any logic beyond themselves. They can be "drama queens". "I am not Ok but you are OK."

Dismissives suppress their emotions, and often express how it's the other persons loss. "I don't need anything or anyone" attitude. "I am Ok but you are not."

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Inner Circle: Are You Treated as the Enemy or Royalty?

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Inner Circle: Are You Treated as the Enemy or Royalty?

How to tell if you're in a relationship with an Avoidant partner?

Pay attention to your feelings, your experience of the relationship with your partner. Life with an Avoidant will be emotionally difficult if you're Anxious Preoccupied or Avoidant yourself. Being the closest person to an Avoidant, doesn't mean you will be treated with love and respect, in fact, you'll be treated like the enemy.

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Meet M - Anxious Preoccupied

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Meet M - Anxious Preoccupied

M is a 23 year old, female, who is sweet, kind, compassionate and very compromising. M is desperately looking for the "one". Goes to a number of events in search; has even tried matchmakers in the past.

M's previous partners have consisted of the distant men (boys) whom she needed to care for. It was all about their needs and she went above and beyond to meet them.

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Meet J - Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

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Meet J - Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

The J is a male in his early 40s, divorced, successful, takes good care of himself physically and can be very charming. J, however, has a history of relationships with "crazy"/ needy woman.

Mother is very "cold" and judgmental; father is "supportive".


J expressed frustration in finding the "right" mate, and fears being in a relationship with the "wrong" partner.

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