Meet M - Anxious Preoccupied

M is a 23 year old, female, who is sweet, kind, compassionate and very compromising. M is desperately looking for the "one". Goes to a number of events in search; has even tried matchmakers in the past.

M's previous partners have consisted of the distant men (boys) whom she needed to care for. It was all about their needs and she went above and beyond to meet them.

Being an anxious preoccupied, M put her best foot forward and tried too hard, sometimes missing the subtle cues that would allow her to listen better to understand her partner’s feelings. M felt she must always prove themselves and act to keep her partners interest—she wants constant interaction, constant touch and reassurance. As long as she got the attention she wanted, M allowed her partner to get away with being difficult such as paying for their living expenses, being criticized/belittled, ignored and lied to. M's problem of believing she found her soul mate with every new potential partner contributed to feelings of anxiety which caused her to try hard in the relationship.

Anxious preoccupied crave intimacy but tend to feel doubtful about their own worth, making it harder for them to trust that they are loved and cared for. At the extremes, and with a more secure or dismissive partner, they are viewed as “needy” or “clingy,” and can drive others away by their demands for attention.

Advice to M
When meeting a potential partner, ASSESS! Think of it in terms of a company; you are the chief executive of a company called Relationship. When a position opens up in the company, you'll need to check the resume throughly, go through the a number of interviews and check references. If someone you hired seems to work out, then keep him or her. But if it's not working out, it's time to cut him or her. HIRE SLOW; fire fast!
Let your date do most of the talking, as in an interview. You want to learn about him or her. Learning more about your mate also helps with the interpersonal transference. A lot of times we'll create a story about who WE need our partner to be instead of see what's actually there (fantasy). You no longer need that cloud; you will learn about who your date actually is and assess if works for your needs.

IDENTIFY: Identify your pattern. Recognize your attachment style: this knowledge alone will help free you from those patterns a bit—as you recognize in your own behaviors the harmful actions (whether distancing or needy) that have driven past friends and partners away, you will be able to intervene to question your own actions.

PAUSE: ASSESS and EVAULATE! Think about why you like a person when on a date. Look for signs; do NOT get caught up in the fantasy. Understand that you might be attracted to a person because it triggers something from the past. Accept your relationship needs and that you might need assistance in picking a healthy partner.

ASK: Be PROACTIVE, DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY!!!!

If you see any red flags, inquiry and be naturally curious.

On a date, ask him or her about family and dynamic of relationships; particularly previous romantic relationships. Pay attention to their answers, does he or she have anything good to say or are they playing the victim? People are constantly revealing things about themselves, be open to hearing things that you might not want to hear!

Pay attention to your feelings; is this person critical and overly judgmental? Are they demanding and entitled? Do you feel insignifant or irrelevant? Or overwhelmed/suffocated? Do you feel like they are too perfect? If you are hearing black or white thinking or a person who rationalizes and doesn't have the ability to express feeling, you are most likely dealing with a person with a personality disorder; do NOT get sucked in; you will not heal/fix this person; they will need to do so on their own. Remind yourself that you have the ability to find a secure partner who will be loving, supportive and in-tune with your needs and that you DESERVE it.

Changing your own attachment style takes time and patience, and is only possible with supportive friends and partners; explaining your inner struggles to them will allow them to see the problem when it happens and help you grow beyond it. There is nothing more valuable in life than a loyal, reliable spouse and FRIENDS.
Share: share your new consciousness/skills with friends and family.