Meet J - Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

The J is a male in his early 40s, divorced, successful, takes good care of himself physically and can be very charming. J, however, has a history of relationships with "crazy"/ needy woman.

Mother is very "cold" and judgmental; father is "supportive".

J expressed frustration in finding the "right" mate, and fears being in a relationship with the "wrong" partner.

We've established that he is an avoidant - having little empathy or sympathy for the feelings of others, although he can fake it when needed. It's all about his wants, his desires. He feels he can be happy on his own, extremely self sufficient; as a result, J doesn't feel comfortable depending on others.

Dismissive Avoidants belief is "I am good, I don’t need others, and they aren’t really important to me. I am fine as I am." They decide that they don't need others much at all, and so have little apparent reason to participate in the emotional signaling of a close relationship. Dismissive think highly of themselves and will tell you they value their self-sufficiency and independence—needing others is weak, feelings of attachment are strings that hold you down, empathy and sympathy are for lesser creatures.

As an avoidant (he would fall under the dismissive avoidant category), he fears intimacy and wants to create distance in a relationship and does so in a number of creative ways. For instance, he will be dating multiple people at once, walk in front of his partner not beside her. He idealizes his mother and sister and compares women to them as a way to deactivate from any attachment. In other words, no woman will ever match up; therefore, making it difficult for him to get close to a woman. The memory of this idealized person is used as a weapon when the Dismissive tires—as they quickly do—of a real relationship and its demands; no one could measure up to the one that got away or idealized woman. This is another distancing trick to keep real intimacy at bay.

J went out on a date with a successful woman who he liked; she explicitly expressed a desire of spending more time with him. This request was overwhelming for J causing him to end things with her. Why? Too much intimacy, he needs distance in order to feel comfortable.

The dismissive-avoidant is afraid of and incapable of tolerating true intimacy. Since he was brought up not to depend on anyone or reveal feelings that might not be acceptable to caregivers, his first instinct when someone gets really close to him is to run away.

Tips to J (who claims he wants a secure attachment) - Do things differently!

He has a history of choosing needy and clingy woman (aka anxious preoccupied or avoidant fearful attachment). If he wants a secure person he will need to start paying attention to the people he's NOT interested in (when there's no spark, aka "boring").

Why? Neither of his parents were secure so he's mostly likely to be attracted to what's familiar. Psychoanalysis suggests we choose a partner who is like a parent we have a conflict with (in his case could be his mother). Attachment theory suggests that unless J had a secure attachment in his life, he will keep picking an insecure attachment as it's all he was exposed to. EXAMPLE: if all you've been taught and exposed to was the English alphabet and I presented a mixture of English and Russian alphabet, you'd be attracted to the English alphabet because its familiar.

The relationship templates you grew up with can continue to rule your romantic interests even when they are dysfunctional—you learned to be interested and excited by the dramas of your family, and even when they make you unhappy find life without them dull. Perceiving a secure, stable partner as “dull” because they do not operate by creating operatic emotional scenes can cause you to miss some of the best partner candidates you may meet—“He seems kind, but no fireworks! But that bad boy over there, he’s hot…” In intimate relationships, one is fixated on playing the drama of the rejecting parent. Living for this drama, one moves into each relationship playing one or both sides of the pattern.

J has no mental represention for a healthy partner. Meeting a secure attachment for J can be overwhelming or weird, aka boring because his attachment won't be activated. To avoid this kind of cycle which occupies your time and prevents you from growing beyond bad parental templates, use your logical brain to oversee what your emotional brain is doing. So if we want a different type of relationship, we need to be mindful of what attracts us and learn skills in picking a different type of partner.