Secret to a Healthy, Happy Romantic Relationship? Being Vulnerable!

A healthy relationship consists of partners that are able to be vulnerable with one another. Vulnerability is linked with a partners feeling of emotional safety in the relationship. Safety is developed from feeling validated and acknowledged by your partner.

Let's think about this, recently I had a client ask me about whether he should be honest with his partner about the amount of money he makes. This client is an Avoidant, perhaps even Narcissistic, his conflict revolved around fear of rejection and shame once he disclosed this information to his current partner (he lead her to believe that his salary is higher than reality). His desire is to appear perfect, strong, put together, fearing that if he doesn't his partner will leave him.

Avoidant's fear intimacy; they're unable to emotionally open up to their loved ones in fear that they will seem weak and give others leverage over them. Shame prevents them from seeming "weak." And fear prevents them from being vulnerable; as there's a belief that a partner will reject the Avoidant if they revealed their true self.

Brené Brown is a research professor, studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. She spent over a 10 years focusing on shame and empathy. Brene explains "shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not good enough," -- which, we all know that feeling: "I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough." The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability. This idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen."

Dr. Brown's research indicated that the vulnerability we try desperately to avoid may be the key to a successful relationship. Vulnerability increases the quality of affection in a relationship over a longer period of time.

According to Brene Brown, "vulnerability means to be courageous to be your true self, revealing fears, weakness, and thoughts. It does not mean being weak or submissive. Vulnerability involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Although we may try to run from vulnerability, it is needed in the context of social relationships. Vulnerability is something we are exposed to daily, when we ask a friend for help, take responsibility for something that went wrong at work, confront a family member about their behavior, or sit by the bedside of a friend with a terminal illness." The question is whether avoidants are capable of getting out of their comfort zone and taking advantage of vulnerability, of being courageous.

Why do Avoidants fear vulnerability? According to Dr. Brown, they fear that if someone finds out who they truly are, faults and all, they will reject them. This is why Avoidants try to appear perfect, strong, put together, it's the only way they can connect with others.

If, however, Avoidants are able to show their true selves, (including avoiding even "little white lies"), not only does their well-being increase, but their relationships improve. This supports the Harvard study suggestion, that feeling connected and having someone to rely on openly creates a happier self. In order to be in a happy relationship with an Avoidant, they will need to learn to verbally express their feelings exactly as they are, which may help overcome their emotions faster. Allowing themselves to be completely open and vulnerable, will improve interpersonal relationships.

For Avoidants, the battle will be within themselves, to know that they are seen and loved for who they are, and to perceive someone else in all of their vulnerability and love them as they are, may just be one of life’s most fulfilling experiences yet biggest challenges. When Avoidants feel fear in a romantic relationship, it's important to notice if they can make the choice to be courageous. Taking a risk and embracing vulnerability leads to a happier, more fulfilled life.

Secures:

Secures speak freely about their feelings and memories, and explain their feelings so you can understand it. They value your understanding of who they are and how they got to be that way. Having been brought up with responsive caregivers and feeling safe in relying on others for comfort and care, Secures have confidence that they can be themselves and disclose inner thoughts and feelings to those close without fear of rejection. And when they are rejected by someone unfamiliar, know that they are worthwhile and not feel much hurt by others’ moods and negative feelings. Confident of their self-worth, they roam the emotional world freely and assist others with their strength and empathy; lacking the fears and preoccupations of the other types, they communicate honestly, empathize completely, and love unconditionally.

Brene explains "There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it.And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. That's it. They believe they're worthy.

And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly. And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part -- as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection.

The other thing that they had in common was this:They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful.They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first ... the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees ... the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental."

Conclusion: Secures do it better! Their feeling of being worthy allows them to have confidence in who they are. Confidence promotes vulnerability! You can't be vulnerable without emotional safety. And you can't feel safe without validation or acknowledgement.

Advise to my Avoidant client- be honest, your partner will stick around to be with the person that you are; if they leave, it's better now then later. Life is difficult and complex, you need a partner who will support, love and be there no matter the circumstance. Honesty and transparency is the best option if the desire is to build a deep, meaningful relationship. And if you don't feel safe, perhaps questioning the relationship is a good place to begin on working through your issues.

Side Note: Brene Brown is knowledgable researcher. If interested, please take a look at her Ted talk; discussing vulnerability, shame and fear.