Destructive Behaviors

What to look for when dating or in a relationship? Avoidants and Anxious Preoccupied attachment demonstrate certain destructive behavior in the context of a romantic relationship. I'll go over their tendencies and their purpose.

Avoidant
When in a relationship Avoidants use "deactivating strategies", which is a behavior or thought that is used to create emotional distance in a relationship to keep intimacy at bay. An Avoidant will use these tools to suppress their desire for closeness with their partner.

According to Dr. Amir Levine, from Attached, Avoidants will do some of the following.
"Saying (or thinking) “I’m not ready to commit”—but staying together nonetheless, sometimes for years.
• Focusing on small imperfections in your partner: the way s/ he talks, dresses, eats, or (fill in the blank) and allowing it to get in the way of your romantic feelings.
• Pining after an ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend—(the “phantom ex”—more on this later).
• Flirting with others—a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship.
• Not saying “I love you”—while implying that you do have feelings toward the other person.
• Pulling away when things are going well (e.g., not calling for several days after an intimate date).
• Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as with someone who is married.
• “Checking out mentally” when your partner is talking to you.
• Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy—to maintain your feeling of independence.
• Avoiding physical closeness—e.g., not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several strides ahead of your partner."

Remember, not all of these are acted out at the same time, these might be used during the lifetime of the relationship, some of these tools may be used more than others. If you're in a relationship or dating an avoidant it's helpful to call them out on their deactivating strategy rather than reacting.

Independence and autonomy is essential for an avoidant. They use these deactivating strategies to make sure that their romantic partner doesn't get in the way of their freedom. However, these tools can be destructive and stand in the way of maintaining a happy and emotional heathy relationship. If you're an Avoidant, it's important to recognize and be insightful in your behaviors and thoughts. You'll need an emotionally healthy partner who can assist you in recognizing when you're using a deactivating strategy; it's best to find a Secure Attachment.

Anxious Preoccupied

The Anxious preoccupied cannot tolerate distance in a relationship; it causes anxiety. If they feel slight "danger" that their partner is out of reach, unresponsive, or in trouble it will trigger thoughts of losing their partner, doubting being wanted/loved. Their need will be to establish closeness in a relationship and will look for a response from their partner. They require constant reassurance that they are wanted and needed in the relationship. Reassurance from a partner can be very subtle, could be a touch, a kiss, a response to a text or inquiry about a random topic or subject. Once they get a positive response, their anxiety will either reduce or eliminate and they can resume to their everyday life.

If the partner either fails to respond or refuse support, the Anxious Preoccupied's anxiety will increase and lead to more insistent messages asking for support. They will use protest behavior as a way reestablish contact and get their partner's attention.

According to Dr. Amir Levine, in Attached, protest behavior is as follows.
"• Calling, texting, or e-mailing many times, waiting for a phone call, loitering by your partner’s workplace in hopes of running into him/ her.
• Withdrawing: Sitting silently “engrossed” in the paper, literally turning your back on your partner, not speaking, talking with other people on the phone and ignoring him/ her.
• Keeping score: Paying attention to how long it took them to return your phone call and waiting just as long to return theirs; waiting for them to make the first “make-up” move and acting distant until such time. Example: If she’s not answering my calls, I won’t leave her a message.
• Acting hostile: Rolling your eyes when they speak, looking away, getting up and leaving the room while they’re talking (acting hostile can transgress to outright violence at times).
• Threatening to leave: Making threats—“ We’re not getting along, I don’t think I can do this anymore,” “I knew we weren’t really right for each other,” “I’ll be better off without you”—all the while hoping s/ he will stop you from leaving.
• Manipulations: Acting busy or unapproachable. Ignoring phone calls, saying you have plans when you don’t.
• Making him/ her feel jealous: Making plans to get together with an ex for lunch, going out with friends to a singles bar, telling your partner about someone who hit on you today."

These are some of the tools that the Anxious Preoccupied will use to get their partner into noticing and responding to them. Ironically, a lot of the time it can create more distance in the relationship. Anxious Preoccupied can be perceived as overwhelming and "needy"/"clingy".

Protest behavior can be avoided by finding a partner who will provide reassurance to their request. However, if dealing with an Avoidant it will only made the response worse as they are not able to be in tune with the Anxious Preoccupied's needs and react to them rather than understand and act appropriately. Solution? Find a Secure attachment, they will be able to provide reassurance, which will allow you to feel secure in the relationship; you have the opportunity to experience a happy and emotionally healthy relationship.
Moral of the story... Secures do it better! The hard part is recognizing a Secure and giving the relationship time to develop. Use some of the skills mentioned in previous posts.

Recap: Use IPAS:"I" identify your attachment style, you can't pick a healthy partner until you know yourself emotionally.
"P" when dating, pause and explore what attracts or doesn't attract you to your date! Recognize that you might not see the person so clear (because of interpersonal transference)
"A" ask questions, try to assess whether they are Secure, ask your friends/professionals for assistance (asking questions will also help with the interpersonal transference). Pay attention to your feelings, do you feel safe with this person emotionally, are they critical? Do they seem "too perfect"? Etc.
"S" share your thoughts with others

Most importantly, have fun!