Inner Circle: Are You Treated as the Enemy or Royalty?

How to tell if you're in a relationship with an Avoidant partner?

Pay attention to your feelings, your experience of the relationship with your partner. Life with an Avoidant will be emotionally difficult if you're Anxious Preoccupied or Avoidant yourself. Being the closest person to an Avoidant, doesn't mean you will be treated with love and respect, in fact, you'll be treated like the enemy.

Avoidant's do a fairly great job at fooling the world by portraying themselves as loving and caring. People usually perceive Avoidants as "really nice", yet, they have difficulty trusting their partners, and are not capable of being vulnerable. Their inability to being vulnerable leads the Avoidant to mistreat their partner; critizing, belittling and withholding from their partner as a way to create emotional distance. ( I want to make it clear, we're discussing Avoidants in the context of emotional availability. They maybe be nice people, and even show spurts of kindness to their partner. Intimacy for them, however, feels dangerous when a partner is close. In order to feel safe, they create distance in many ways. It doesn't make them bad people, just poor partners.)

I tell my clients, no matter what you do, say, wear, act or change, your partner, if avoidant, will NEVER change towards you. He/she treats you badly not in spite of being closest, but because you are THE closest.

Dr. Amir Levine, author of Attached explains, "Inner circle" are a way for partners to become close, the way our closest relatives, family or friends are in our lives. Once you crossed that line with an Avoidant, you're getting too close for comfort and become the enemy. The more you attempt to get close to an Avoidant the more distance they create.

As described by Dr. Levine, author of Attached:
"SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE BECOME “THE ENEMY”
"• You are ashamed to let friends and family know how your partner really treats you.

• You are surprised when people tell you how sweet, nice, or considerate your mate is.

• You listen in on your partner’s conversations to learn what is really going on in his or her life.

• Your partner often consults other people, rather than you, about important issues.

• In an emergency, you feel uncertain that your partner will drop everything in order to be there for you.

• It is more important for your partner to make a good impression on strangers than on you.

• You’re surprised when you see friends being treated considerately by their partners.

• You are the person most likely to be insulted or put down by your mate.

• Your emotional and physical health are low on your partner’s priority list."

Avoidants will give you the cold shoulder, be nicer to strangers and treat you like the enemy. Why? Because you're too close to them emotionally and they can't tolerate it. It doesn't make them bad or evil, just scared. Your dilemma will be to figure out if you love yourself enough to protect yourself from the abuse. If you're an Anxious Preoccupied and dating an avoidant, RUN! If you're in a new relationship with one, RUN! You're setting yourself for heartache that can be avoided. You have the opportunity to have a happy relationship, emotionally fulfilling and you won't get it with your Avoidant partner.

If you're dating an Avoidant, assistance maybe needed in recognizing it. Trust and stay in tune with your feelings. Avoidants are great at portraying a false impression of themselves. He/she may seem charming and amazing but it's a persona, not their true self. You will get sucked in by the charm and might realize that they are not for you when it's too late. An attachment will be formed and it will be that much harder to leave. Practice what was mentioned in other posts to weed them out.

Keep reading to see what the inner circle will be like if you pick a healthy partner, the Secure.

Dating a Secure, you'll be treated like royalty, notice the difference. As described by Dr. Levine, author of Attached:
"THE INNER CIRCLE WHEN YOU’ RE TREATED LIKE ROYALTY
"• Your well-being comes second to none.

• You are confided in first.

• Your opinion matters most.

• You feel admired and protected.

• Your need for closeness is rewarded with even more closeness."

Dr. Levine explains, some people have difficulty believing that the “royal inner circle” does really exist, especially if they only experienced dysfunctional relationships and bad relationship templates from childhood. You have the opportunity and ability to have a relationship where you'll be treated like royalty. It DOES exist and it’s not even a rare occurrence, remember, 50% of the population is Secure.

If you are an avoidant and want a healthy relationship; there's hope for you as well. You will also need to look for a Secure. Dating a Secure will create a buffering effect, raising your satisfaction and functioning to their own high level. This is a very important as it means that if you’re with someone secure, they nurture you into a more secure stance.