How Use of Language Assists in Identifying an Emotionally Healthy Partner?

Research showed that there's a correlation between language and attachment style. So when on a date pay attention to the way your date expresses real life situations.

Secures

Secures will have a balanced perspective of an experience. They will be able to express subjectivity and objectivity. Secures are able to speak coherently and thoughtfully about their experiences.

Example: I'm sad, I worked hard for my promotion at work but understand it was a difficult decision for my supervisor; I need to improve my productivity and make more calls.

The Secure is able to express their feeling; understand and accept where improvement is needed.

Anxious Preoccupied

Often they speak feelings of hurt and anger without much thought to the objective perspective. Language is expressed in a confused and incoherent manner, as if they had never been able to get a grip on what happened to them and integrate it into a comprehensible picture. Anxious adults either fail to have insights into themselves and other people or offer explanations that were platitudinous, self-deceptive, or self-serving.

Using the same Example: I am the most hard working person in the company, I did everything for my supervisor. I feel betrayed by him/her. I deserved that promotion; I'm going to leave the company (protest behavior, we'll discuss this more in another post).

The anxious is unable to see that their work productivity isn't great and that other people in the company produced better. They feel overwhelmed with their own feelings, which prevents the anxious to see beyond themself.

Dismissive Avoidant

Dismissives build a defensive shield of self-esteem and self-sufficiency that requires negative experiences to be suppressed. They answer questions in a guarded way, without much elaboration, and often have trouble remembering experiences. Some exhibit an underlying animosity that seem to imply: “Why are you asking me to dredge up this stuff?” or “The whole point of this is stupid!” Dismissives speak vaguely about situations. When pressed for information, their memories contradicte their assessments, as negative facts leaked into their narratives.

Example: Dismissives will deny that being denied the promotion had any effect on them and most won't even mention it. If they will, they will state how the job won't be done right because no one can perform better then them. Dismissives will belittle their supervisor, perhaps even name call. Then state that they really didn't want the promotion (deactivating strategy - we'll discuss this in depth later). If pressed, they might disclose that they are disappointed.

Recap:

Secures are able to express emotions and see objectively. "I am Ok and you are OK too."

Anxious are preoccupied with their own emotions; it's hard to see any logic beyond themselves. They can be "drama queens". "I am not Ok but you are OK."

Dismissives suppress their emotions, and often express how it's the other persons loss. "I don't need anything or anyone" attitude. "I am Ok but you are not."

Hope this is helpful.