The Science of Happily Ever After - Dating Expectation
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Many of us have certain expectations from new partners, they vary from looks, height, income, intelligence, status, religious or political affiliations, family values etc. The more expectations we have, the smaller the dating pool becomes. Our expectations do no value partners who are kind, compassionate, supportive and in-tune with our needs; people who will make good life partners. According to Tashiro, priorities of our mates are a product of the messages we received from family, friends, society and natural selection's obsession with physical attractiveness and resources. In order to break this cycle, we need to make smart long-term decisions, and avoid the throes of lust.
Ty Tashiro’s warns daters of red flags in a partner, explaining “you want to look for someone who is not high in novelty seeking. Novelty seeking is a personality trait where you always want something new and exciting. Dating novelty seekers is super fun. Novelty seekers are great to date because they’re really exciting. They do all kinds of fun, spontaneous things. They tend to get really absorbed in a relationship. They’re really into the relationship. They’re really into you. That can feel good. These are also the kind of people that just kind of fall off the face of the earth. People say, “They just kind of took off,” or “I just didn’t hear from him anymore.” That’s partly because novelty seekers are also more likely to get bored more quickly, which means they’re more likely to get bored with you. They’re also very impulsive. They will engage in things like infidelity, substance abuse or other things that tend to be deal breakers in relationships.”
Tashiro advocates a new approach to dating by valuing different standards, calling it "Moneyballing" relationships. By finding undervalued traits in the dating pool like kindness, transparency, compassion, honesty, loyalty and most importantly agreeableness will help develop and maintain happy relationships. According to his studies, “liking declines at a rate of 3 percent a year, whereas lust declines at a rate of 8 percent per year,” however, an agreeable partner will be a better sexual partner and less likely to cheat over the long haul. Tashiro goes on to say that agreeable partners tend to be more empathetic, compassionate, trusting and are more committed to the relationship.
Being programmed by the Fairy Tale model, people are valuing the wrong things and have unrealistic expectations about what their potential partner should be like. Most people fixate on attraction or apparent success when choosing a new partner and will dismiss many good long-term candidates because of certain unrealistic expectation, as they are not tall enough, not rich enough, not good looking enough, believing they deserve better; while giving up a partner that will be loyal and have the ability to keep you satisfied, emotional fulfilled and happy in the long term.
My Advice:
I believe having realistic and flexible expectation is healthy. Physical attraction is important, your partner needs to be sexually appealing to you. As to all things, balance is key; you don’t want to go for a Brad Pitt or a Angelina Jolie if they are lacking some of the important qualities a partner should possess. Success is also important, you don’t want to be with a person who never has any money either, but it doesn’t mean you need to only seek a partner who is financially successful.
When dating, it’s about finding undervalued traits and assets in the dating pool. Look for someone you can trust and believe in. A person who acknowledges and validates you. Someone who is interested and curious in you, and explores your desires and wants. Your partner should be supportive so that you can go out into the world and explore. Doing so, will bring you fulfillment and success. Think like an investor— go after the future great partner, not the one who satisfy all your shallow "must haves" right now. Love and commitment make high achievers out of good partners and create that successful life the Fairy Tale talks about; but it doesn't just happen, you have to work for it and believe in your partner. Meeting your soulmate takes effort, you need to make smarter decisions when picking a mate, and to do so, you’ll need to be able to recognize a soulmate if you meet them. By valuing these traits you will be on the right track of finding the right one.
Another important piece in meeting an emotionally healthy partner is the ability to be the partner you want to attract. I tell my clients the best way to meet your “soulmate” is to BE a “soulmate.” That means having the ability to in being interested in them, naturally validate them, being compassionate, supportive, kind, loving and in-tune. When you work on those qualities within yourself, you will start attracting people who will be able to give those things to you. So ask yourself, are you a soulmate? If not, that's ok; identifying what you need to work on is the first step, perhaps asking for assistance on working through the issue from family, friends or professional will be the next. We all have qualities we need to work on, that is natural and appropriate. Having the determination and will on improving yourself is the key to finding your soulmate. It won’t be easy, but will be worth the hard work. Are you ready?
