Effective Communication

What is Effective Communication and why is it important?

Expressing your needs and expectations to your partner in a direct, nonaccusatory manner is an incredibly powerful tool. Though it’s used naturally by people with a secure attachment style, it is often counterintuitive for people whose attachment style is anxious or avoidant.

Deep listening. You can enhance your communication style by actively paying attention to your date. What does this look like? Sometimes, it looks like you using your ears more than your mouth. When you're in a conversation, sometimes less is more, LISTEN to your date.

Be consistent. It's incredibly frustrating when someone says one thing and behaves in another. Inconsistent messages leads people to not trust what you have to say. So if you want to be taken seriously and earn credibility, you have to be consistent in the messages you send to others.

Be clear. Make sure that the messages you're sending are clear, understandable, and straightforward. Try to send clear messages that are congruent in both verbal and nonverbal dimensions. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be direct and honest; don't dance around the issue or play games. Ask for feedback to ensure the message you sent was accurately received. TRANSPARENCY

Set expectations early on! What’s important to you in a relationship and in a partner? Do you need alone time regularly? Do you want to see your friends weekly? Is consistent sex a priority? Do you want to be monogamous? Convey as much as possible from the start through discussion and action. If you pretend a serious relationship isn’t a priority, you can’t expect it later. Encourage your partner to share their expectations as well. Sometimes people are fearful that expressing their expectations will push their dates away; in reality, you're setting the stage to a successful relationship. If the person stays you won't need to deal with the issue later on; if they leave you just saved yourself time as they would've left later on (your also likely to avoid Avoidant attachment if you set boundaries).

If you're on a date and looking for a serious relationship, SAY SO! Ask your date what his/her needs/expectations are, what are they looking for? Express yourself and listen! BE CLEAR, remember we're trying to be transparent. And if you don't understand what is being said, ASK!

When meeting a potential partner, ASSESS! Think of it in terms of a company; you are the chief executive of a company called Relationship. If you find that he/she doesn't meet your needs, MOVE ON! There are plenty more out there.