Dating Question From a Reader: What To Do When Your Date Doesn't Communicate?

Dating Question From a Reader:

"Need advice on how to approach this scenario. Guy and girl meet online, they decide to meet up. They set up a date and time a week in advance, they communicate in the meantime everything is cool. The day of, girl messages guy around 3 pm confirming (date was set to be at 7 pm) and he says : "actually I won't be able to make it today I'm going to stay late at work." And no, he didn't forget. Should I be annoyed that he didn't even bother to let me know earlier that he won't be able to make it? Should i give him another chance?"


Dear Dater,

I appreciate the question. I'm sure a lot of people struggle with a similar issue. I want you to know know your feelings are valid! You have every right to feel annoyed, even disregarded. You set a time in your life to meet this person and seems like he wasn’t considerate of your time or your feelings. He did’t find it important to let you know there was a change in plans. Your feelings are VALID.

We all have busy lives; however, when people are important, we make time for them. You made time for him because finding the right partner is a priority to you; is it to him?
A few things can be the cause of his behavior; here are some of my thoughts:

An important question: Did he have the intention in communicating the change of plan?
If yes, giving him the benefit of a doubt; there could’ve been an emergency at work leading him to forget to communicate. You mentioned texting him at 3pm; perhaps he had intentions of letting you know but you beat him to it. We’ve all been there, work and family pops up at random. We are humans and are imperfect and can forget to communicate in an appropriate time, especially if we’re preoccupied at work. Is this common? Hopefully not, but at times it may happen. Psychoanalysis would suggest there’s something deeper on an unconscious level. In order to figure it out we would need explore it with him. Using attachment theory, the Anxious Preoccupied when stressed can have the tendency to forget about others. They can be so deep in their own feelings, causing them to forget to communicate appropriately.

If no, he did not have intentions on communicating with you. You’ve figured out early on that he doesn't value you or your time; classical Avoidant attachment. This is a type of man who isn't considerate of others. He thinks highly of himself and values his independence. Upon first glance he may seem charming, and sweet. But once you get to know him better, you will find that something is not quite right. Avoidants belief is that “I am good and I don’t need others.” People are not important and can be replaced. Things happen at their time, when they need it or want it. Other peoples desires don’t mean much to the Avoidant.

My concerns with this guy was that he didn’t seem apologetic for the last minute change of plans and for not communicating in an appropriate time. Yes, we can be forgetful at times, it happens, taking accountability and addressing our errors is key (something that the Secure is great at). Accountability and communication is essential in building an emotionally healthy relationship.

How to figure out his attachment style?
How does he respond to effective communication?The best indicator of attachment style is peoples response to effective communication. You need to be transparent with him and wear your heart on your sleeve. Don’t be afraid to express your feelings about his lack of communication and pay attention to his response. A Secure will try to accommodate you; will take accountability, validate and understand your experience. The Preoccupied will welcome opportunity to closeness; they will hear you out and express empathy and might make the conversation about them.The Avoidant will be resistant and will make you feel like you said something wrong and/or get defensive. Silence can be another one of the Avoidants reaction.
Your feelings are tools you use to assess the emotional stability of your date. Remind yourself that you have the opportunity to find a secure partner who will be loving, supportive and in-tune with your needs and that you DESERVE it.

My advice:
Thinking of dating in terms of a company, you are the chief executive of a company called Relationship. Imagine you have a position available in your company and you were scheduled to interview this guy for the opening. What would you do if he behaved this way? Would you reschedule for another meeting or would you let him go and find another candidate; let me tell you, there’s an sea filled with candidates. If you find that he doesn’t meet your needs, in this case it may be communicating appropriately and taking accountability, perhaps its best you move on.
The fact that you’re asking permission to feel annoyed is concerning; doesn’t seem like he validated your feelings with his response. The key is to have a partner who is in tune and can take your feelings and desires into consideration.

Yes, it's good to give people second chances, we all make mistakes, but you don't want to give it blindly. You need to assess if that person is worth it. If their behavior is an indication of lack of disregard to your feelings then perhaps letting them go is appropriate. You don't want to invest into a person who will only hurt you in the end. Be mindful of others behaviors and assess! The way to do that is to pay attention to your feelings.

Best of luck.